I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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