I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
