i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
