i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
