I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
