mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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