this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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