Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
