don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
