Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
