Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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