and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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