guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
