i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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