I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
