i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
