dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
