I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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