i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
