Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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