my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
