I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
