the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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