he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
