I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
