If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
