So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
