You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
