I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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