Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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