My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
