first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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