He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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