Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
