I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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