Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
