Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
