My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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