It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
