So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
