he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
organizing the empties. That sober.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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