I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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