Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
