After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
