Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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