Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
