i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
