Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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