she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
