Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
