The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
